Two Pine Trees

Apparently I'm retired. I had no idea! I do six loads of laundry a week, feed the dogs, the fish and the cat, cook dinners, make lunches and beds, clean, go to school conferences, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera! Yep, I'm retired alright. I have so much free time I'm thinking of volunteering my life away. I wish. At least then I might actually get out of the house for more than the 45 minute, weekday pickup process at the middle school. The Mom retirement syndrome does not exist in the world of the older Mom. Three years ago I left the work force for third, and apparently, last time. Shortly after baby one, I stayed home because I couldn't imagine giving one hundred percent of myself at work AND at home. When my daughter was eight, I rejoined the force, again, knowing that I was close to home and with a company that supported the parenting gig. With baby two, I also went back home. Both lifestyles had their pros and cons. Staying home is lonely, exhausting and you wonder...

I'm considering a Go Fund Me campaign. All funds raised will go towards an email and phone call deluge flooding the inboxes and phones of scammers and telemarketers. But the offer of a flight will be sincere. I hear Antarctica is lovely this time of year. If the ice caps are melting, hopefully they can swim. Or not, at this point I really don't care. I'm tired of this crap. So, so tired of not being able to blindly answer the phones WE ARE PAYING FOR with a sweet, pleasant voice. When the phone rings I look at caller ID. Every. SINGLE. Time. No longer can you answer a call which appears to have originated locally. They "spoof" local numbers. They "spoof" the caller ID to show hospitals, the IRS, the police. My mother frequently gets one which shows as the caller ID - CANCER in big, scary capital letters. Who among us doesn't have a visceral reaction to that word? I have resorted to setting up individual ring tones for a number of family and frien...

I don't believe our local Walmart will ever be featured on the web under "The People of Walmart."  We're a "small town mentality" kind of  area where everyone knows, well, everyone. Most of the ladies I know will dab on a little lipstick and make sure they are presentable when they go to the "Mart." You never know who you will run into, and with a cat, two dogs, several fish and two lizards (don't ask), our family tends to be in Walmart at least once every week. The Greeters at the Mart know us well. A couple of months ago, I had to hit the Mart for the aforementioned pets, and I was in no mood to either clean up, or dab on lipstick. Besides, it was past nine in the evening. Most of the Moms I knew would be trying to sit down for the first time in that day without hearing the cries of "Mom!" I however, knew that the hubby was home, and the drive alone would be a quiet comfort. What happened once inside, took me completely off guard....

Ever have the entire cast of Magic Mike enter your living room while you looked like a pale, sweaty, bloated version of your middle-aged self? Magic Mike didn’t actually appear, although my husband’s name is Mike, but the men of the Clayton Fire Department’s hot (no pun intended), calendar models did show up. I may be a middle-aged mom, okay, okay, past middle age, but I still know attractive and buff men when I see them. The problem was, in my current condition, I didn’t want them to see me. THAT is how irrational you can be in the altered state of pain. Who cares if I’m dying, just don’t let ANYONE see me like this. That particular night, I didn’t get to sleep because of sharp pain. I hoped it was a severe case of indigestion, but when it didn’t abate, fear took over. My chest felt tight and my breathing restricted, so I called 911. I politely asked them not to arrive with sirens wailing because I didn’t want to freak out our young son. The Firefighters were the first to respond...